Theatrical Review: Regression (2016)

"Emma Watson needs to start doing nude scenes. It's just time."

When I was a kid in the 80's, people somehow got it in their minds that Satanic Cults were everywhere across the U.S., and that they were abducting, molesting, or murdering children during their dark rituals.



I actually remember seeing so much of it on the news, talks shows, and magazine shows like 60 Minutes, that I actually became paranoid about it for a while. If I was crossing an empty parking lot at dusk, and a creepy van drove by, I was sure that it was Satanists coming to get me so that they could sacrifice me to their dark lord.



I was like 10, so don't judge me too harshly on that one.



I'm not sure how it all got started, but I'd guess that it had to do with fundamental Christians deciding that Satan was destroying the fabric of our perfect society by way of Heavy Metal music, Horror films, and Dungeons & Dragons. They worked everyone into such a tizzy about it that there were a crazy amount of sexual abuse allegations leveled against Daycare Centers. Google "The McMartin Preschool Trial" and read what that bullshit did too innocent people.



The point is, that Satanic Panic bullshit was a very real thing in the 80's, and as worked up as everyone got about it, it turned out to little more than a bunch of asshole adults coercing fake memories out of kids with the use of Regression Therapy.



That's kinda what this movie is about.



***This review will contain plot SPOILERS that could potentially ruin the story for you, so proceed with caution***

It's 1990 in Minnesota, and Bruce Kenner (Ethan Hawke) is a hard-nosed detective who plays to win! So when the virginal Angela (Emma Watson) accuses her father of sexually molesting her (which he admits to, even though he can't remember doing it), Kenner is on the case. He turns to a British psychologist to help get to the bottom of everything, with the use of regression therapy... which forces repressed memories stored in the subconscious to come to the forefront. Sounds legit.

"TRY TO REMEMBER ALL OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN EXACTING DETAIL."

As Kenner and Dr. Brit uncover more of the details of Angela's case, it becomes apparent that a Satanic Cult was involved, which terrifies Angela to death. She claims that she was a part of ritualistic abuse at the hands of the Cult that included the sacrifice of animals and babies, and blood orgies in the name of Satan, and the fact that she's discussing any of it with Kenner makes them both targets for some sort of Satanic death revenge.

"KISS IT. EVERYONE ELSE HAS."

Kenner is initially skeptical of Angela's Satanic claims, but after some mysterious phone calls, some odd people staring at him on the street, and an attack at his home, he ends up becoming a paranoid believer in all things Satanic and evil. Was he molested by a Satanic Cult too? Was he part of a Satanic Sex Cult, but just forgot about it?



Watch and find out!

MAYBE TAKE THE HEADPHONES OFF WHILE YOU'RE SNOOPING AROUND THE LAIR OF A SATANIC CULT!

Regression is more of a Psychological Thriller than it is any kind of Horror flick, although the movie does explore plenty horrifying topics. It's a well-made movie that makes a pretty bold statement about the dangers of psychology, specifically the since-discredited technique of regression therapy, and by the end, it becomes more of a Drama than anything else. A Good Drama, mind you, but a Drama none the less.



There were plenty of eerie moments throughout the film that gave us the willies though, and in that way it felt like a pretty effective "Horror" movie at times.

"SO... DESCRIBE THAT SATANIC ORGY ONE MORE TIME IF YOU DON'T MIND."

As I mentioned above, the whole Satanic Panic thing was very real in the 80's, and it was blown way out of proportion by the media, which ended up working plenty of people into a paranoid frenzy in which many lives were ruined. After a few years, when most of it was revealed to be total bullshit, the regression therapy that was used to uncover much of the supposed ritual abuse at the heart of it all was derided and discredited by medical professionals as being some sort of subliminal coercion.



If nothing else, Regression does a great job of illustrating that point, and giving the whole thing weight.

"AGAIN?"

Ethan Hawke was great in this movie, even though most of the material he was given to play his character delved heavily into stereotypes. Emma Watson was also great playing the innocent victim who may in fact be a manipulative shrew. We'd love to see her play the "Bad Guy" more often.



What Regression doesn't get right, is that it's predictable. It starts out strong, and then fizzles out near the end, not taking many narrative chances along the way. It's a great story that has all of the ingredients for a top-notch Thriller, but it just doesn't do as much with them as it could have. The dialogue could have been better too.

THE FACE OF AN ANGEL?

For all of its faults, Regression was a pretty good movie that managed to keep us interested throughout. If you look at it as a fictional portrayal of some very real things that happened in American history, and don't expect an all-out Horror flick, then you'll probably dig it.



If it happens to be showing at a theater near you, you could do worse than to go check it out.



C+



Regression is in Limited Theaters now. *Only about 100.

Oh, Emma.

Netflix Review: Visions (2016)

"This movie could probably air on ABC Family, and not even need to be edited."

The more movies that Blumhouse Productions releases, the more we're beginning to believe that they're dedicated to churning out as many mediocre movies as possible: Make them cheap, make them generic, repeat.



They've made some great movies too, but after seeing offerings like Jessabelle, Ouija, The Gallows, The Lazarus Effect, The Boy Next Door, and now Visions, how can we really think otherwise?



I know it's a business, but for crying out loud do a lot of their releases feel like cut-and-paste TV movies of the week.

After being involved in a terrible car accident that claimed the life of a baby, Eveleigh and her husband decide to move to the country and open a winery... because what better way to dull the pain of such a horrific tragedy than to surround yourself with barrels of wine. Of course their new winery has a sordid (and possibly haunted) past, so there's probably not going to be a lot of healing going on here.

"MAYBE SHE HAS HAD TOO MUCH WINE. WHAT'S IT TO YA?"

Eveleigh is pregnant, so she spends most of her time taking a yoga class where she becomes fast friends with another pregnant chick. When she begins to see eerie and bloody visions all around the house, everyone thinks that she's crazy, probably because she's off of her meds. Eveleigh knows (thinks) that she's not crazy though, and so she sets out to discover the mysteries of the winery, and find out why she's being "haunted."

BITCH, IT'S JUST A MANNEQUIN!

Remember that one movie where that thing happened, and then everyone was like "no way, that's crazy" and the one girl was like "it's not crazy" and then everyone is all like "ooooh, I see" at the end? Visions is a lot like that one, except for the ending, which was like that one other movie where not much happened.



Pleasant familiarity and painful mediocrity ensue.

THERE'S NOTHING MEDIOCRE ABOUT THOSE HER THOUGH.

Look, Visions isn't a bad movie; it works just fine as a harmless, safe Drama that has a few decent Horror elements peppered throughout, it's just that it's not all that compelling or engaging. It's a very well-made movie, and it's got a solid cast going for it, but it never really does anything that grabs the attention, or more importantly, scares you.

BE AS ANGRY AS YOU LIKE, LADIES, YOU KNOW WE'RE RIGHT.

Is Visions the story about a woman who may or may not be going crazy, or is there really something Supernatural going on? Maybe it's simply about revenge. Maybe it's about all of that, which makes the whole thing feel a bit uneven. It's a movie that really doesn't know what it wants to be, and it suffers for its indecision.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, LADY, I'M NOT A GHOST!"

Isla Fisher is as likable (and hot) in this one as she ever is, and we've been big fans of Anson Mount since we saw him on Hell On Wheels, and they both do a great job in their roles, as generic as they may be. Supporting players like Gillian Jacobs and Joanna Cassidy pull their weight too. Jim Parsons and Eva Longoria are only on-screen for a few minutes each, so it's not really right to even mention them as "Starring" in this one at all.

YES, IT IS PRETTY HORRIFYING.

The fact that Blumhouse dumped Visions on Netflix without any sort of Theatrical, DVD, or VOD release beforehand, should tell you that they didn't have a ton of faith in it to begin with. Or maybe they did, and just a really lucrative deal from Netflix, who knows. Either way, it's not a bad flick, but it's just kind of generic and forgettable, and doesn't really offer much in the way of scares.



Since you can check it out for free though, it can't hurt to give it a watch if you're curious.



C



Visions is available now on Netflix.

Isla Fisher is our favorite Aussie who was born to Scottish parents in the Middle East. *She's smoking hot, that's the lesson here.

VOD Review: The Abandoned (2016)

"Not a bad movie at all... until the ending arrived, slapped us in the face, and said "Ha ha, just kidding!"

What's not to like about a good Haunted House flick? A small group of people, alone in some sort of a remote or isolated locale, walking its shadowy hallways while being menaced by some pissed off ghosts?



That's the good stuff.



This movie is almost that, and in fact, it's exactly that for its first two acts. Then the final act arrives and it tries to explain what's going on, and ends with the worst kind cop-out that a movie could end with... which we are going to fully spoil below, so beware.



It's such a shame when that happens.

BEWARE: ENDING SPOILERS LIE BEYOND THIS POINT!

Streak, which might be the dumbest nickname for a girl that we've ever heard, has just taken a job as a third shift security guard at an abandoned upscale apartment building. She's on meds, and is at risk of losing her daughter, so she really has to play this one smart in order to get her life back on track... which is why she doesn't play it smart at all.

STREAK? REALLY?

Streak is partnered with an older, bitter guy in a wheelchair named Cooper, who doesn't have any patience dealing with new hires. They never last, after all, and so why get attached to them, only to have them quit a week later. When Streak begins breaking the rules (letting homeless people into the building, breaking into padlocked sections of the building) and telling copper that she's able to sense the presence of ghosts, he likes her even less.

"WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR CRAZY PILLS!"

Of course Streak's idiotic behavior gets both of them into all kinds of trouble, which leaves people dead, and a bunch of ghost kids roaming the halls of the old building, looking for vengeance. Or maybe it's all just an elaborate ruse. Meh.

WTF IS THAT?!?

The Abandoned is a competently shot movie that offers a decent amount of creepy moments, at least throughout the first two acts. Not only is the abandoned apartment building in which the movie is set a gorgeous location, but its twisting corridors and shadowy rooms make for the perfect setting for Supernatural shenanigans.



Jason Patric brings a level of legitimacy to this movie that it probably doesn't deserve, as without him, it would be just another run-of-the-mill Supernatural Horror flick with a shit ending. He was great though, and his co-star, Louisa Krause, wasn't bad either. She played crazy very well.

HE DOES KNOW THAT NO ONE ELSE IS AT THAT MEETING, RIGHT?

The biggest problem this movie faces is the ending, and what it meant for the entire narrative that came before it. When a movie like this, that bills itself as being scary, turns into something sentimental and emotional, it just kills it for us. What kills it even more is when that same movie ends in a way that negates everything else that happened throughout, using the old "It was all in their head", or "iI was all a dream" swerve. That just irks the shit out of us.



We were actually kind of annoyed that someone starting a new job would so blatantly disregard the rules of that job, and let homeless people in the building, break into locked rooms because she heard something, and act a fool in general. Especially when she needs that job to get her daughter back. Then again, the ending made all of that moot, so we're kind of bitching about nothing. 

THOSE ARE REAL THOUGH.

I guess the worst part of a twist ending like that is that we we went into this movie prepared for chills and thrills, and instead what we got in the end was a distraught Dad sitting by the bedside of his comatose daughter, whose mind the entire movie just took place in. If I want some somber shit like that, I'll turn on the Lifetime Channel. Please keep it out of my Horror flicks.

"I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH, I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH..."

Jason Patric is still awesome. Also, cop-out endings that negate everything that came before them really, really suck.

OH, THAT'S NEVER GOOD.

The Abandoned had a lot going for it, and if it hadn't have been for its "Oh come on!" type of ending, we probably would have enjoyed it more. We rate this one a C, because Jason Patric made it watchable for us, and because the things that it did manage to get right, worked fairly well for us.



It's probably worth a rent for most fans of Haunted House flicks, especially if they don't mind an ending that negates any and everything scary about the plot.



C



The Abandoned is available now on VOD.

We'd never abandon Louisa Krause.